Editorial note: In a recent BBS thread concerning legendarily passive-aggressive advice column Dear Abby, Boing Boing commenters took it upon themselves to request assistance in their daily lives from our moderator, Falcor the Don't-Push-Your-Luck Dragon. This morning a pile of noisome, crudely dehaired human-skin hides were left outside Boing Boing's secret lair; upon close inspection, they turned out to be scrawled with Falcor's answers. I've transcribed them below — Rob ❖
I've recently killed a man (in self-defense, I swear!) and need to dispose of the body. What do you recommend? — JUST KILLED A MAN IN ONTARIO (Jardine)
Dear Just Killed a Man, ❖
Canadians taste great with maple syrup.
I have some left over chicken, some rice, some noodles and I think probably some veggies... Maybe there is tomato based sauce hanging around. Add that to a picky family. What should I feed them tonight? — TIRED OF THE SAME THING FOR DINNER IN THE SOUTH (Mindysan33)
Dear Tired of the same thing, ❖
I have a friend in Canada who might be able to help you out. How are you with white meat?
My baby is turning out to be the worst roommate ever. She makes constant demands, keeps us up all night, and refuses to pay her share of the mortgage. How should we deal with this problem? – SINCERELY, MOMMY DEAREST (Maggiekb)
Dear Mommy Dearest, ❖
Usually I would say "gobble her down.", but in this case I have to say "suck it up."
During a particularly frustrating evening babysitting, I wished that the goblins would take my baby brother away. The Goblin King won't give him back and my parents will be back soon. What should I do?
Please help! – ETERNALLY STENCHY (Daneel)
Dear Eternally Stenchy, ❖
Goblin Kings are a bit to stringy to eat, I recommend instead distracting him with a tight-pants-and-wigs sale downtown. Then snatch your brother back.
You remind me of the babe, Falcor
What did Vienna call about?
– Robert C Baruch
This man is an imposter. Eat him.
Get out, Falcor